Tucked In

13 Apr

The dark blanket of the night wraps our house with such grace. And as the last trail of afternoon light leaves me, I just sit here. With the corners of my mouth down.

Picture me that way. Picture me with the 6 pm light on my face, happiness draining away. Balling up my thoughts in my fingertips. Thinking if I would throw them away or keep them in a tight but gentle clench.

My thoughts are about everything but they just only point to one matter. A matter which I think won’t ever be clear. A matter which will always remain a puzzle. I hope the night will take all of my thoughts away so I could be free again. But no. Instead, the still evening just makes me take in more of my dilemmas.

If you are reading this, I may sound like a helpless, don’t-know-how-to-deal-with-things girl, emotional, worthless, sad, sensitive person. Well I am just a step farther from achieving all of that. And with no effort, I’d be all A’s with each one of them.

But still, I am struggling not to be this little drama queen. I try to think things over. That is why I have the option of throwing all of my thoughts away. And just run away from everything. And be happy. Gather up the corners of my mouth and maybe smile.

But I can’t.

I am a rusty armor no one prefers to wear.

I want to throw it all away. Every time I am close to opening my palms up, I end up holding my fist – a tight clench.

This fear of letting myself free is holding me up like a blanket. It never leaves me. I’m trapped under its treacherous satin feel.

And now it’s completely dark. Because I am tucked in, unwillingly.

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